“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
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“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*