“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
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Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.