Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.

companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them

*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?

Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated

Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.

ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet

scarecrow: i need a brain!

tin man: i need a heart!

me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item

dorothy: again, he’s not with us

You know something I’ve discovered?

This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.

It’s about the people you connect with.

Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.

911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND

Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.

I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.

When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.

~ Night club conversations and marriage

So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”

*opens Advil*

*takes Advil*

*closes Advil*

*looks at husband*

“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”

Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.

I call this the Heineken maneuver.

I’m in a very dark place right now.

Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?

you mean to tell me that wasn’t a drinking fountain you installed in your bathroom toilet?

3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in

burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that

wife: [sits up] oh my god

husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed

burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch

Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.

BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels

Date: everything ok?

Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife

Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?

Me: tonight if you play your cards right

[during a plane crash]

Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!

Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.

3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!

Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*

My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing it

I have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him

This is motherhood

I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.

When we’re old the children will use covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to boomers with lead. It is fate

is losing your mind a hobby?