“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
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Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
well well well, if it isn’t the thing i said i’d do before the holidays that i’m now putting off until after the holidays
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
“oh dude you’re gonna want to see this” i yell to my dog from the other room upon seeing 2 squirrels on a fence
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Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
