Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.

“You can hide but you can’t run,”

– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids

goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back

i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order

teacher: where is your assignment?

me: my dog ate it-

[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]

me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.

by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood

I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.

We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.

Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?

Me carrying around all the patience I have today x

I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.

My brother just sent me an angry text.

Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.

Me: are you or are you not my people?

My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.

You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.

Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click

My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there

I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.

Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.

I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.

[Wendy’s Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.

ME: Sir please get back in your car.

INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.

Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.

“I’ll drink to that.”

-me to my next drink

“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.

“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.

I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.

“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”

This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.

john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶

me: wow that’s old.

john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶

me: oh not that old then.

surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*

A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.

Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*

Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*

I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.

My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.