Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
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can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Daughter: Want a cake for your birthday.
Me: No, cakes are expensive.
Daughter: It’s not the cake, it’s all those candles!
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?