Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
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Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”
Ooooh. That’ll show me.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
My kid: I bet you had just black and white movies growing up
Me: excuse me, I am not that old
My kid: also did you have crayons or just greyons?
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.