Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

coach: what are you doing???

me: you said do 50 singles

coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos

me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!

It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.

Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?

*flashes back to ex

*shudders

8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER

I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?

My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English

Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.

Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.

It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.

Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes

[GF comes home to find our son alone]

Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!

ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM

is this a warning or an offer?

Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.

Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning

How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you

I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.

As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way…

Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.

Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people

Midwife: Support his head

Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.

Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.

Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.

A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend

Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!

[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

It’s so cute that you’re nervous

[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?

Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit

LUKE: any weekend plans?

OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga

LUKE: omg I have to warn him

Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.

His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.

whenever i hold a baby i say “god i want a baby. i just wish i knew where they come from” & it kills every time

My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.

What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”

Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.

Thanks for following

ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.