[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
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If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Friend: The year is almost over. What have you accomplished?
Me: I don’t like your tone.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.