Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.

Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.

When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.

Pretty sure we domesticated dogs first and were like yes this is amazing let’s do another one, then we domesticated cats and were like yes that’s quite enough I think

of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people

If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”

Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉

Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily

Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.

I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.

god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes

me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then

god: LOL wow, you are funny

I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.

When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.

*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird

Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face

Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.

Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.

Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?

I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”

*smokes fat doobie*

*enters hotdog eating contest*

*sets Guinness World Record*

*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*

My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.

Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.

I’ve been lied to my entire life

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.

Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.

Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?

[police lineup]

COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card

ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?

WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer

RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name

We are running low on groceries, so the bread on today’s sandwiches is Eggo and the meat is also Eggo.

bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive

bank robber: *angry boomer noises*

It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.

“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.

On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”