[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
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Oh the world we live in…
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If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Finally
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Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
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Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”