Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What do we want?”

“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”

“When do we want it?”

“Not!”

Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”

“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”

<person doesn’t move an inch>

“Thanks”

I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money

Who wore it best? #Oscars2015

I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn

I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.

[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*

Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part

I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.

My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.

If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.

Don’t forget to donate blood today to make room for more food

Wife: Have you considered therapy?

Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career

Wife: *stabs me

Househunters, but for birds

Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.

Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops

Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick

*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*

Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you

Me: Where was he?

Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car

Me *impressed* he really went for it

People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”

You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.

GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …

New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!

Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!

What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since

– How was school?

4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions

– laughs
– oh honey

– nobody would name their kid Trenton

me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do

my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me

a haunted house but in every room someone is asking you to say a little something about yourself

It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.

Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean

*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*

My rap name is When i$ Lunch

My husband says he doesn’t understand why I hate grocery shopping so much, because he doesn’t mind it. And by “grocery shopping,” he means a quick run to the store for ice cream, treats, and snacks. You know, the “essentials.”

Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich