Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
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the last thing a carrot sees
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
me: i gave you the wrong mixtape
gf: all of these songs are about eating a sandwich
me: i know
gf: how are there so many
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.