Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
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If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
