Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong

I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.

my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68f

me: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?

Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…

*opens The Shining

A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.

one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops

I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say

Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself

Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!

I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.

flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!

her: i’m a doctor

my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you

me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-

my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor

I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.

At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.

ME: I’m here for toilet pap–

COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS

ME: But I…

COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS

ME: I just nee–

COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI

ME: *spends $472*

Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.

“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR

“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.

Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark

HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!

I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.

Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.

He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.

Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day

Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO

*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*

Let’s walk and talk.

You go that way.

“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”

– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers

I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.

“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”

“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”

Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.

Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-

Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!

Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion

Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?

Tomato: No.