Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.

“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”

“No whey!”

If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?

We’ve come full circle

i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines

Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.

Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.

physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband

My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.

[outpost in the Arctic Circle]

“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”

BOSS: The days last 6 months here

“Sonofa…”

Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know

Me: Oh yes! I do know them!

Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂

Me: oh God no

DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich

ME: Damn I bet it’s so good

DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27

Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.

It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go

Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.

Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM

ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones

CORONER: what the hell have you done

*At the local breakfast restaurant

Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?

Me: Reese’s

Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you

[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]

“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”

bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT

I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.

I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.

Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.

INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?

If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?

*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*

I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.

🤣😂🤣😂

Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.

Luke: OK.

Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.

So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.