Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.

My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.

Stages of helping your kids with a project:

1. Ok first off, when is it due?

2. Wait, WHAT??

“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”

I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him

If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company

I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.

“time flies” then why the hell is it still January bro

Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?

Some people stay longer in a toilet than in a relationship.

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times

Schrödinger: Nice, nice

How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?

I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.

Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.

[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?

My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.

[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND

[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag

Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.

*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky

One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.

🌲😼

When you’re a snowman, everything smells like a carrot

If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.

If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.

My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.

Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.

Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.

why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)

im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances

Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.

I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.