Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
You Might Also Like
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Don’t tell me what to do
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Better luck next time champ
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
THE AUDACITY. 😤
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined