Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
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“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
