Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
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Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
annoying that i have to flush three times to get rid of all my billiard balls
Wife: any ideas for dinner this week and don’t you dare say hot dogs
Me:
Wife:
Me: frankfurters
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
My husband just brought me a glass of wine unprompted. He must’ve noticed I cut my bangs today.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists