assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
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I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
It’s Fat Bear Week, and they have been storing fat all year for the coming winter. Cute, considering that I’ve been doing that for decades and get absolutely no recognition
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!