Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.

Get this comic as a limited edition art print, signed by both artists, printed on archival Bamboo Giclée paper from Hahnemühle.

I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.

ME: What do you want for our anniversary?

WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch

ME: Ok

WIFE: You’re not going to write it down

ME: Nah, I’ll remember

[later]

WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?

I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.

Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no

If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”

I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild

Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.

zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?

me: no, not yet!

zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do

Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶

Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.

[Inspecting car]

*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”

Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.

Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.

That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.

*on my deathbed*

*groggy, dazed, & delirious*

Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?

Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?

Me: *pulls plug*

[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK

My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.

“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw

All the lions gathered together before slipping into a ravine. Pride comes before a fall.

It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…

I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song

Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks

I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.

After I drink coffee I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.

My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.

“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”

Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?

Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks