assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
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Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
I just got a text from the hospital to confirm my appointment and let me know that they were changing it to a virtual visit.
My appointment is for a colonoscopy.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
So unfortunately my Mom membership was revoked because they found out I’ve never arranged to have my family’s picture taken in a field of wheat or wildflowers.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now