Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.

*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*

You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.

My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts

#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine

Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?

IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.

me: family! regale me with tales of your day!

5: good

2: yes

hubs: same

Terribly Tuesday.

No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.

5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?

I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.

I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.

Jail

My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.

That

I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.

me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.

7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –

me: shut up

A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.

“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.

ME: I took a bus tour of the the city today.

WIFE: Oh really. How did it go?

ME: The driver turned the ignition and pressed down on the gas.

HER: Get out.

BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.

Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?

If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.

Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.

[birthday party]

*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*

me: *dejectedly puts down fork*

I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party

I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.

I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.

If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”

Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.

WebMD: In the morgue.

If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.