Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
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If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.