Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
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“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
selfie game
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat