Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
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Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
set yourself free xox
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
It do be feeling this way.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”