Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
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P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.