Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
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My daughter: Dad, your hair is getting ridiculous. Like, do something about that bald spot.
Me: Why you little … Don’t make me combover there.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Putting tin foil on my beard to cover the leftovers that fall in there.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
“How is the job search going?” first of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
O Wise One….
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine