Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?

*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh

wife: hey…HEY

me: *takes out earbuds*

wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?

me: *puts earbuds back in*

I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly

[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left

serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?

Me: ‘I miss you.’

The Point: ‘No shit.’

When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day

[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?

I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.

The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…

I’m gonna miss that baby…

Yeah I go to the gym.

Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.

Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.

Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters

I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.

Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box

“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?

The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.

At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.

I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.

If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.

I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat

When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..

by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.

I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.

put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control

Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me

my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.

why am I working on Labor Day