Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity

Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.

hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷

Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.

Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*

Me: Dammit

Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.

Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.

Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.

I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.

Reasons my 4yr old is crying:

She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.

DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are

ME: Ok

DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut

ME *lip starts trembling*

DENTIST: I see

[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.

Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*

Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer

7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat

Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.

*smashes car through your living room*

Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?

What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?

Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.

me: any clue how my house burned down

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.

Sincerely,
Women

How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?

*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*

Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!

“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots

If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.

Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone

I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.

Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.

Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..

Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman