Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰

You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?

Mosquitos

Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.

Me: Okay. *starts running*

*halley’s comet goes by*

*trainer dies of old age*

*halley’s comet passes again*

*the sun dies*

*final episode of the simpsons airs*

Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!

My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.

Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.

A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.

Me: *making table side guacamole*

Priest: Please get off the altar

Dear Diary,

I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.

*Love in the time of coronavirus*

Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?

some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob

[guy who’s in a bad mood until lunchtime every day] yeah im kinda weird I guess, i don’t need breakfast

[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks

My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.

Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”

Priest: do you take this woman

Me: I do

[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]

Me: -not

i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs

if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs

Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.

They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?

I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.

Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.

Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”

“i’ll be back”

–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume

Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.

A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.

Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead

“age is just a number” yeah the older i get the number i feel

Partner: It’s raining

Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything

[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]

I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car