Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.

how long have you had this for?

Guns don’t kill people

People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people

A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.

I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero

Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.

I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash

Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.

…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…

Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.

You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them

I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:

What food is rotting in the office kitchen?

Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?

Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool

Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?

Superman:

Lois: Are you crying?

[commercial for pants]

*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*

There has to be a better way!

[My death bed]

*loved ones sobbing*

Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.

Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady

mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween

My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.

My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.

oh you hate me? name all of my flaws

Daddy! Tell me a story..

The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.

Good night.

My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.

RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go

Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.

Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’

ME: can you use it in a sentence?

JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?

What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?

*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*

The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.

“Operator, run this licence plate please

Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”

– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.

*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curves

Me, taking off my Spanx: behold

People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.