Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
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[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Ok, but like, how married are you?
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.