Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.

It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer

I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall

People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!

China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.

*rolls grocery cart into open house*

Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*

An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*

My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday

*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*

Nurse: We only need one.

*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*

what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*

15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.

Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.

I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college

What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???

well this is just bullshirt

Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.

sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.

me: HOOAH!!!

sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.

[places wicker basket back in locker]

me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ

So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.

May never get over this

Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.

I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.

I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.

Archaeology.

me: how can I seem confident on my date?

friend: act like you own the place

[later]

her: thanks for picking me up

me: where’s the rent

Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time

The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.

I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…

opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are

How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left

Playing Silent Hill and honestly there’s a fair amount of noise in this game.

I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.

12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.

Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games

Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave

I beg you to euthanise me