Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.

Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?

Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.

Called in, “Hey, macarena!” this morning.

Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?

NO, SENSEI!

Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden

Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.

I’ll stop now.

… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?

Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?

Obama: Well, I’ve alw–

Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?

Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw

do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?

i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig

“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”

-Ed, shearing

Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.

May take them away tomorrow too.

Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some

Ok, mammals, you had your chance. I’m voting for a reptile this year.

I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.

my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”

Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winks

Him:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid

What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?

Unhoppy.

#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F

“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.

Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up

Me: oh honey…you have no idea

Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.

Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.

*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond

I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.

*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*

i lost 4 lbs, nice

*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*

the punishment does not fit the crime

Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy

Me: oh no!

Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels

Me: OH NO!

There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…

They just pick up a shovel and started digging.

Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”