Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.

Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is

i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.

He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave

Me: *wolf whistles*

Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?

I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.

Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.

Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.

[Sperm Bank]

DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy

“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?

I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey

I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey

I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.

In case you haven’t checked Facebook,

It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!

Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.

ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking

Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.

Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.

Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?

Me: Huh?

Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.

Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.

Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.

Me: When hippos-

Date: Yeah, I heard…

*my cat, who has 3 different beds and a cat tree* I must sleep on the clothes you have laid out for the day

You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.

Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?

What’s your guide about?

Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!

Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.

Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆

#wildemount #critters #dnd

[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.

OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha

I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident

[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*

Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”

Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…

I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.

HER: what’s with all the finger pointing

ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition