Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours

Heck of a week to be a 50-year-old journalist working with people in their 20s when the news has been about pagers and now Tupperware.

What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?

I refuse to lose another rap battle!

A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’

I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.

Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.

You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.

Me: *Asks question on snapchat*

Them: *Answers question on snapchat*

Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”

you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.

Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price

If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.

There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.

Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.

Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.

*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though

We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.

~ The Disclaimers.

That’s easy for you to say

My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.

Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.

Try that* in a small town.

*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.

[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.

Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.

*start packing up my battery collection*

[IKEA-themed restaurant]

Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?

Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.

Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril

I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.

Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…

[in bed]

HER: I want you to do something naughty

ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*

[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin

My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.

[first day as a detective]

cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene

me: *under breath* birds

I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.