Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So single the neighborhood cats make ME dinner

I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.

My AI girlfriend ran off with my imaginary best friend. I’m gutted – I really miss him.

There’s so much going on 😂😂😂

How times have changed.

Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”

Yeah, don’t do that.

Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.

Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.

My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’

*bird watching*

Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”

Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”

*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*

Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!

My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out

A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London

Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.

I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure

Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.

The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.

A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”

Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.

yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁

I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty

One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now

I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.

I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.

me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something

12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?

Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?

Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!

😂

The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”

Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats

Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room

Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.