Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
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Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
smh
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*