Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*has hiccups for 30 seconds*

MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT

I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end

Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…

The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.

“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead

6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.

Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans

I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.

“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”

Good morning y’all ☀️

A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.

[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]

*you’re

[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™

CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.

M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever

booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity

You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.

Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child

Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok

When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.

I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display

My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me

Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: Your word is walk

“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”

JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*

[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this

Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.

[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”

I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely

Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.

Shepherd: I got ewe babe.

I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.

Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag

Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?

Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.

Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.

What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed