Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
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knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
*updates tinder bio*
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.