Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Hey Mom!

My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time

Me: Wha-

Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!

Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.

Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?

They each got six months.

[Club]

Him: You want to dance?

Her: *Giggling* Ok

Him: *Scowling* Well go on then

Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.

my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair

my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home

My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol

HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!

Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.

I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.

If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.

The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.

I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes,  I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”

DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.

Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.

Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.

I have began to yell ”NOT FRIENDLY!” when people try to approach me.
I learned that from dog people.

Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?

Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them

Looking for a new spicy potato chip?

-Hot Pringles in your area

This story lives rent free in my head:

Lord of the Rings star Sean Astin once asked Lesnie [LotR cinematographer] ‘where is the light coming from? ‘ when they were shooting in what should have been a darkened tower.

Lesnie replied, “Same place as the music.”

[after death]

me: what is this place?

guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell

me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol

guy: hell it is

[First Date]

Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”

Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”

Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”

I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.

“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well

A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.

Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.

Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.

I never used to worry about death but now I’m terrified it will break my winning wordle streak.

“Wow, that’s great!”

~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.

Me: I have a toothache
WebMD: Your dad is the Zodiac killer