ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
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[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
I just love that new Pope smell.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??