Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.

When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe

Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.

Me: Secretly? No.

Nobody ever collects famous first words.

A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.

I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero

My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.

Sorry I just read your text from 12 years ago. Are you guys still at Blockbuster?

Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies

Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter

People just like to argue.

People: No we don’t

Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT

If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.

we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.

[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo

Me: Put on your seatbelt.

13: Do I have to?

Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield

13: cool

Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!

Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.

Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.

Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.

Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign

[at art museum]

Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Me: It needs more yellow

co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?

me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.

Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.

“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”

“Sweet! We should hang out!”

– Ear buds

I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”

I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.

Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours

“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”

~Dogs probably

Sorry, Ghostbusters.

At best, I might email or text you.

I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.

A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you