ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
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The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom