assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
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I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Okay, he’s ricocheted off a few buildings, but he seems fine now.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.