assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
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My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
What element do criminals hate to see?
Copper
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
u guys got any snacks onboard here
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you