Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes

Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you

When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident

Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.

me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining

agent: what’s it called

me: Actually Love

Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?

Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.

*At the local breakfast restaurant

Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?

Me: Reese’s

If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales

me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings

oh my god

I once read a book about an assassin that would identify at least 5 items in any room that he could use to kill everyone else in the room with him if need be.
When I enter a room I identify at least 5 places I could take a nap if I need to.

Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”

wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working

“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”

-my phone

I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.

Astronaut: I never loved you

Me: how could you say that?

Astronaut: it’s the truth

Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum

Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!

Me: It was getting freezer-burned.

W: I just bought it today!

Me: Crazy freezer.

me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-

sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet

*Naming my child*

WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?

ME:… Mattress?

Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low

Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?

On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.

You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell

What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.

You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.

My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.

My mom at 25: Married, one kid

Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking

I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof