Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.

oh my god

Overheard at the coffee shop:

“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”

Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.

uh yeah, I accept. No brainer

Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.

somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention

Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US

They used it to decorate their salad bar

PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*

Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!

12: It’s called texting.

[god, creating ducks]

Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know

Me: *making table side guacamole*

Priest: Please get off the altar

I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.

Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.

I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.

I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me

My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.

my mom: fix this for me

also my mom: no, not like that

still my mom: it’s not working

mom: wait it is now

[hell]

Satan: this is our library

Me: cool i love reading

Satan: we only have the twilight series

I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.

I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*

*It’s whoa, by the way

I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.

Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.

Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.

Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”

Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!

This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!

If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too

Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.

If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.

Help me practice my knife throwing skills.

You catch.