Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[outpost in the Arctic Circle]

“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”

BOSS: The days last 6 months here

“Sonofa…”

I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.

Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.

Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…

You excited to watch the Super Bowl?

“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”

[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]

Me: What time are we leaving?

Wife: In 3 or 4 hours

Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car

Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.

I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person

I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix

*sells my soul*

Devil: I want a refund

My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.

“Bob is coming over for dinner.”

Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?

*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*

[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself

Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit

Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?

If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”

Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.

I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?

You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.

Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird

Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard

I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.

*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*

Horrifying if literal: armchairs

I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on

I have a pun about carpentry.

but Im not sure if it woodwork…

My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.

Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.

Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.

One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.

HR: Well?

Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot

HR:

Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye

HR:

Me: can I have my bra back?

if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit