Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word

midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potential

technology:

Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.

Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”

Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out

There are two wolves inside you

webmd: wolf cancer

Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.

Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.

Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol

You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.

A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.

you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”

The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking

It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.

Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.

The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose

Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.

If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.

[Before the ten commandments were handed down]

Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?

Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea

Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.

6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat

Me: I…I’m not sure what to do

Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.

So, just me? Okay.

New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”

Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.

Me: You are stupid.

Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically

Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.

If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.

I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.

*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”

CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie

AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?

CANADIAN: What’s that about?

AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank

Body: go to sleep

Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this