Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
You Might Also Like
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Guilty! 🤪
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
Haha! 😂
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
99 ninety nine
88 eighty eight
77 seventy seven
66 sixty six
55 fifty five
44 forty four
33 thirty three
22 twenty two
11 tenty one
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.