Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store

When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”

I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.

i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly

guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here

Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell

God: *frowns*

Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.

The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.

To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.

society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool

Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan

My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.

*brings coconut cake to a knife fight

A little too much information.

Me: Dear Santa…

Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.

I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer

The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.

You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened

“Hi-”

“I have a boyfriend.”

“Do y-”

“I have a boyfriend.”

“Excuse m-”

“I have a boyfriend.”

“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”

A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.

Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.

God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.

Sloths: bro

[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad

I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.

No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.

Ffs laughed out loud 😂

It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president

Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine

Judge: Still guilty.

Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?

[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”