Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
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If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
courtroom exchange of the day
PARKOUR
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general