Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.

a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class

Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”

Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..

Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.

First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.

My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.

What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?

Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now

Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.

Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…

If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.

stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.

I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.

Me flirting at a party

me: so what’s your major

her: radiology

me: oh cool AM or FM?

Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:

Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate

funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings

While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.

Me: You come highly recommended, LOL

Drug dealer: *stabs me*

*Condom Co*

[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]

“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”

ME: Ribbit

“Genius”

[meeting the parents]

Dad: what do you think of Baroque?

Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.

by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids

If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.

I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before

Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask

Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.

Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.

being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.

if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out

Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.

My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark

Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them