Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
You Might Also Like
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
one time my uncle showed up to thanksgiving dinner with a leprechaun who was wanted by the fbi in 12 states & that night changed our family from being simple, uneducated hill folk to simple, uneducated hill folk who now knew a dangerous leprechaun
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
“Send dunes!”
– some dyslexic guy
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???