Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
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Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
rewatching 2016 and 2020 election night coverage at 2x speed, to catch up with the first two in the trilogy before the finale drops tomorrow
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Bike for sale
