Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
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I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
A Short Story.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
“The engine light is on” Yeah that means it’s working
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
🤣🤣💀
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]