Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
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Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
selfie game
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
sometimes we need to be reminded
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car