[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
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casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?