Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.

But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.

I call bullshit.

I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.

Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.

I peed so hard that a little laugh came out

*zoom meeting*

Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion

Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening

[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]

Okay. Weigh me now

her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir

me: can i get 7

her: no

me: 8

her: no

me: 9

her: no

me: 10

her: you can’t do this forever

me: are you even familiar with numbers

her: yes?

me: 11

The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?

Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.

McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please

Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?

McConaughey: I don’t know

I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon

Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.

bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!

me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no

Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.

I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.

Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.

My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.

[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?

I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution

I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal

A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.

When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.

I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.

The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.

Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.

[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]

if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it

Friend: not a fan.

Me: correct. you human.

there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord

[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready

date: I come from a broken home

bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken