Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”

Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.

My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.

*repeat daily in various scenarios*

Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.

*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”

As a kid I wasn’t allowed to dress up and go trick or treating. So as an adult I enjoy it even more, and wish there were more satanic holidays.

I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.

Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.

[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11

I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester

Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.

I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.

Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.

ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no

I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.

[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster

besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?

and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE

@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!

If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.

I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.

My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.

Mi casa es su casa, where casa is not equal to the last beer in the fridge.

[driving]

WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?

ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?

Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”

[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.

[blind date]

HER: I filled up on nuts

ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew

HER: Gesundheit

ME: I think I love you

When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”

Cop 1: There’s been another murder

Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging

Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus

Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?

Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email