[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
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Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Well if this doesn’t sum up 2024 perfectly I don’t know what does
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Child: Turkey pancakes?!
Me: I also have turkey hash, turkey sausages, and make sure you drink your turkey nog.
Wife: I told you the bird was too big
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Sharon, call the vet
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder