[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
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Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
synchronized noseblowing
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough