Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.

My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS

I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″

Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure

Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?

If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.

Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?

Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.

And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.

I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.

My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.

This is not the motherhood I envisioned.

Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.

Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.

Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?

Me: I wanted to watch it again.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.

My husband, on the phone to social security administration to report that they still have not recorded his mother’s death (more than a year ago) and are still sending ss checks–

–SS phone lady says: so are you reporting your own death?

–Hubs says: ….No… I’m alive.

😬

New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads

Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?

Happy #NationalPoetryDay 🙂

Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?

speaking in tongues is a great way to quickly end a bad first date

Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?

There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.

sometimes ppl ask why they got blocked and it’s bc you posted something annoying so i looked you up, found your address, went to your home, snuck inside, looked in your wardrobe, and didn’t like what i saw

A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for

Alexa, make me look good naked.

I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.

“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center

If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks

Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.

Nobody:

My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]

My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.

Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?

fired

Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.