Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
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[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
He just like my cat fr
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.