Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI

Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.

I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…

Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?

“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”

“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”

“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”

FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime

ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-

THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out

“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere

*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*

Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.

You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.

me: *sleeping*

pimple: is it my night to emerge?

anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?

Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs

usher: bride or groom

me: just a guest

usher: no which are you here for

me: neither I’m married

Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable

Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.

[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*

Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.

me: *starts the washer*

me, two minutes later: what’s that noise

Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.

If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently

*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]

Me: *explains idea*

Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever

Me:*clears throat*

*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*

Boss: Brilliant!

Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.

You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.

People buying plungers never look happy.

You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?

College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens

The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.

Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?

Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.

My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.